Foreigners don't always have the best command over these simple eating utensils used for every meal in China. Truth be told, I don't even hold chopsticks totally correct, but it's close enough and gets the job done. For those with less experience, desperate times call for desperate measures. We all know at least one of these people. Introducing the 8 Classic Foreigner Chopstick Styles, now with names!
#1 The Knitter
Chopsticks are a one-handed type of tool. Asian cultures have mastered the art of holding two sticks in one hand for centuries. But the Knitter can't comprehend how this works. They need two hands to pick up food. Better knit yourself a fork Grandma.
#2 The Stabber
The Stabber refuses to even pretend to know the intended use of chopsticks and treats them as a fork. Pick the food up by the edges? Nope. They ain't got time for that nonsense. Just stab the blunt chopsticks straight through and make your own kebab. Calm down there, killer.
#3 The Pincher
Chinese people hold chopsticks at the top. It shows skill, patience and dexterity. The Pincher holds the chopsticks so close to the bottom, they might as well be picking up the food with their fingers. Next time, just bring tweezers instead.
#4 Edward Scissor Hands
The most arthritic of the Foreigner Chopstick styles, at least Edward Scissor Hands tries to be correct. With this criss-cross reverse chopstick method is nearly impossible to pick up smaller food items, so most of the food is scooped and flicked into their mouth before it falls on the floor. It's a juggling act.
#5 The Baby
The Baby will do whatever they can do not use chopsticks the proper way. They don't care how they look with the chopstick aids they have bought or made. They can't be hassled to learn how to hold chopsticks because they are much too busy being a 5-year old child with no hand-eye coordination. Have some self respect, you're an adult!
(I mean come on, what the heck is that?!?!)
#6 The Summoner
The Summoner (hopefully accidentally) pulls the biggest no-no in all of chopsticks etiquette: placing the chopsticks sticking out of rice. Doing this imitates incense and offering a sacrifice. ARE YOU TRYING TO SUMMON A GHOST? BECAUSE THAT'S HOW YOU SUMMON A GHOST.
#7 The Drummer
Naturally during a meal, some people will finish before others. The Drummer can't sit still and has to channel his inner wannabe rockstar. Odds are, the Drummer has never actually done any real drumming in their life, but that doesn't stop them. Don't be that person. Talk to people, play on your phones, do anything else but use your chopsticks to drum on the table.
#8 The Walrus
The Walrus is the least original Chinese food comedian that exists. They pretend like they invited the idea of sticking the chopsticks in their mouth or nose. But they didn't. They just look dumb. The Walrus: great animal, horrible chopstick user. You eat with those, get them out of the holes in your face!
Learn to use chopsticks. I will post an article if you need, but please don't be any of these people. Stop making us look bad. Sincerely, All Other Foreigners in China
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